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In Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health

It’s Dark Outside, and I Can’t Get Out of Bed

Author AmandaPosted on

Everyone feels a little more down when the weather is shitty outside. We’re human beings. We like sunshine. It’s natural to feel “just blah” when it’s a gross day outside, but for some people, it’s not that simple. I am one of those people.

rain droplets on a clear glass with lights in the background
Photo by Max Bender on Unsplash

About a year ago, my therapist brought up a condition known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) in one of our sessions. She asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with it. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of depression that is related to changes in seasons. For most people with SAD, symptoms begin to manifest in the fall, and continue throughout the winter months.

I have always showed signs of Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I never had a name for it. It was always just brushed off as “winter blues” or “having an off day.” While those things can also be true, it’s important to be able to spot the difference. Some symptoms of SAD include:

  • Oversleeping, or not being able to get out of bed
  • Changes to your appetite
  • Weight gain
  • Tiredness or low energy
  • Changes to your overall mood

For me, the winter months are the hardest. It’s dark and cold outside, and I would much rather stay wrapped up in my warm bed. But I’ve found that I have to get outside, even if it’s just for 20 minutes. Being outside in the daylight, even on a cloudy day, can drastically improve my mood. When you have light-blocking curtains like we do, you might not even realize how badly you need the sun.

Recently, the weather has been all over the place. It’s 75 degrees one day, and then the next day is rainy and dark outside. It can be hard to control your mood when you have no control over the weather outside. But there are things that can help. My therapist usually gives me the “homework” to get outside everyday during the day, even if it’s just to sit on my front steps. It’s been a pleasant surprise to see how much this can actually shift my mood the slightest bit. A dreary, “blah” day suddenly becomes an okay day, just because I took a walk outside.

Another option is light therapy. I haven’t tried this one for myself, but I’ve heard great things. I might have to give it a try. Light therapy, or phototherapy, comes from using a light therapy box to create exposure to artificial light. This has been proven as an effective way to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder.

No matter what you decide to try, take control of it and OWN IT. We may not be able to control the weather outside, but we can control how we approach each new day. Mental illness does not define you, no matter what you’ve been taught to believe. You’ve got this, and we can do it together!

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In Anxiety, Depression, Mental Health, Trauma

Living With Chronic Illness

Author AmandaPosted on

When I started this blog a little over a month ago, it was always my intention to be as honest as possible with all of you about my mental illness and the struggles that have come along with it. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of doing just that so far. What I never expected or realized was how my physical illnesses would bleed into and taint the waters of my now positive outlook on life.

white ceramic mug on table beside black glasses and tissues
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

It finally felt like I had a handle on my mental illness. I was out of the dark tunnel and able to shed some light for others that were trying to make their way through behind me. I felt strong, and I forgot for a moment that my mental illness is an everyday battle, triggered by many different things. Although I can have periods of peace, this is a demon that I will carry with me forever. And unfortunately, I, like many of you, can never stop fighting.

At 20 years old, I was diagnosed with a heart condition. The doctors called it an “accidental finding,” but that didn’t stop it from changing my whole life. I was suddenly thrust into a world of 48-hour heart monitors, EKG’s, medications, and having to follow up with doctors every few months. It was a huge difference from being like everyone else I knew who only saw a doctor when they were feeling sick or for the occasional vaccine. I now had a chronic illness, and it needed to be monitored and treated carefully.

The doctors said I was probably born with this disease, but nobody had ever found it because they’d never had any reason to check my heart before. I was relieved that there was a reason behind my sudden chest tightness and palpitations, but I remember being annoyed more than anything at how this was inflicting on my life. I was a young college kid, and more than anything, I wanted to be like everybody else.

But that’s just the thing… I’m not like everyone else.

The Long Journey

I’ll spare you the long, boring details of the doctors trying to find the perfect combination of medication and lifestyle change that was going to make me appear more like other 20 year olds. The heart palpitations triggered my asthma that I’d had as a kid, and I now needed to carry an inhaler around everywhere with me. I wasn’t allowed to exercise too much, and I needed to limit the stressors in my life to avoid any flare-ups. I was in college. My whole life was stressful! It was exhausting getting used to the changes.

black and white stethoscope on a bed
Photo by Hush Naidoo on Unsplash

As the years went by, I went through periods of rebellion against my illness. I’d cancel a doctor’s appointment and never reschedule, or I’d stop taking my medications for months at a time. I just wanted to feel normal. These periods would inevitably end with me in the ER, hooked up to an IV and being lectured by doctors, nurses, and my mom about how I needed to take care of myself. I knew they were all right, but that didn’t make it any easier.

Over the past 8 years, I’ve seen many doctors, who have diagnosed me with many new illnesses that come with their own laundry lists of medications and changes to my daily life. At one point, I was taking 10 pills a day! On the surface, it looks like I’m some kind of hypochondriac, but I live with chronic pain every day. Most people will never know because they can’t see it.

The Latest

Most recently, I’ve had issues with my stomach. None of my doctors would listen to my concerns regarding my stomach pains. They all just wrote it off as a symptom of my anxiety. My anxiety has caused some stomach issues in the past, but this was different. I know my body better than anyone, and I knew something wasn’t right. I could barely eat, and yet I was gaining weight quicker than I had my whole life. Finally, I found one doctor who listened to my concerns and agreed to send me in for some procedures to figure out what was going on.

The process was long and aggravating, because why not? They got the sign off from my cardiologist to put me under anesthesia, and I finally got my answers. I have diverticulosis–the step before the better known diverticulitis. I also have gall stones. Both of these conditions are rare for someone my age, and my doctor is in no rush to start removing organs before I’ve even hit 30. So instead, I’ve had to completely change my eating habits and give up foods that I love. I have to sleep with a (very uncomfortable) wedge pillow. I’ve had to change a lot of what I consider to be my normal life.

What does this have to do with mental health?

It could be worse. I know that. This disease is manageable, and I’m lucky that I wasn’t given a much worse prognosis. But if I’m honest with you, I tried to think of one word to describe how I feel about the crappy hand that was dealt to me. It’s complex, but the word ANGRY sticks out the most.

I’m angry because I still want the same thing I wanted when I was 20. I just want to be normal. I’ve accepted that taking medication daily is a part of my “normal,” but that doesn’t mean I want to be taking these meds for the rest of my life. I’m also angry because the stress of my physical illnesses triggers my depression. It’s like I’m outside of my body looking in. I want to get up and go on with my life as normal, but I’m angry and sad that this is the only normal I get.

This is a process. I’m still working on it everyday. I chose to share this aspect of my life because I know I’m not the only one. There are so many people out there suffering like me, or even worse than I am. I know that I’m not the only one battling to feel normal. The only things we can do is get up every morning and continue to fight.

We didn’t ask for this life, but we owe it to ourselves to make the most of it. There are days that will be overwhelming or difficult, but we need to be kind to ourselves. It will get easier. Not everyone is going to understand, and that’s okay too. Your feelings are real and valid, but that doesn’t mean we should let them consume us. This tunnel is dark and sometimes scary, but there is a light up ahead, and together, we can reach it.

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In Anxiety, DBT, Therapy

Just Breathe

Author AmandaPosted on

It’s the one thing we all do every day. When a baby is first born, you listen for a cry to signify that first breath. It’s how we know we’re alive. We don’t even think about it half the time, but breathing is so important to our survival. At rest, we breathe 12-20 times per minute. That equates to roughly between 17,000 and 30,000 breaths a day! And like in the 2005 hit, Anna Nalick said it best… When all else fails, “Just Breathe.”

Under duress, it’s easy to forget to breathe. During a panic or asthma attack, you try to work your way through it in order to catch your breath. The expression “remind yourself to breathe” is a cliché because it’s true. Sometimes, we need to work on the one thing that we’re born knowing how to do.

During my years in therapy, I’ve learned a lot of methods to help cope with my anxiety. The method that always stuck out to me the most was the one that seemed so simple, you don’t even think about it being a way to help deal with a scary or overwhelming situation.

Breathing and observing your breath.

green plants with a bright pink neon sign in it that reads "and breathe"
Photo by Robin Benzrihem on Unsplash

If you’re able to focus solely on your breath during a particularly stressful situation, it can help you to have more control over your emotions and the situation. There are many different ways to observe your breath, but the bottom line remains the same. If you’re focused on your breathing, you can actually calm down your emotions because you are taking control over your mind and your thoughts. Here’s a few of my favorite breathing techniques that I’ve found to work wonders when I just need to regroup and regain my composure:

Deep Breathing

  • Start by lying on your back, whether it’s on the floor or on a bed or couch. Breathe evenly and gently. Focus all of your attention on the breath and how your stomach rises and falls with each inhale and exhale. Do this for at least 10 breaths.

Counting Your Breath

  • I like to do this one while I’m walking outside with no distractions, but if it’s easier for you, try it sitting cross-legged on the floor. As you breathe in, tell yourself “I am inhaling, 1.” Do the same when you breathe out – “I am exhaling, 1.” Do this until you get all the way to 10. Try to focus only on the breathing and the words you’re telling yourself.
  • Another way to try this is just to close your eyes and count to 10 while you breathe in and out slowly. Drown out any outside noises. Focus solely on the breaths and the numbers.

Paced Breathing / Square Breathing

  • This one is fairly simple. You close your eyes and focus on breathing in for a count of 4-6 seconds (whatever is easiest for you). You hold the breath for the same 4-6 seconds, and then you release the breath for 4-6 seconds. The goal is to follow a rhythm.
  • Similarly, with Square Breathing, you do the same thing but you picture yourself drawing an invisible square while breathing. This helps to focus the mind on your breathing and not outside distractions around you.

Progressive Muscle Relaxation

  • In my opinion, this can be the hardest breathing exercise to master. You start by sitting or lying down in a comfortable position. Close your eyes and relax your body. Starting with you toes, you work your way up your body, tensing each muscle for 5 seconds and then relaxing that muscle for 10 seconds before moving on to the next muscle. By the end of the exercise, you should be tensing and relaxing your facial muscles. Be sure that you are taking full, deep breaths while doing this. This exercise can take several minutes to complete, but if done correctly, it is highly effective. Tensing and relaxing your muscles actually sends signals to your brain that it is time to calm down!

It’s important to note that some of these breathing exercises can be hard to do when you’re dealing with strong emotions. So start slow. Find what works for you, and keep it in your back pocket. You don’t have to follow some instruction manual when it comes to breathing. Remember, you got this. You’ve been doing it since the day you were born.

In Anxiety, Own The Crazy

What Anxiety Feels Like

Author AmandaPosted on

It would be a safe bet to say that everyone has experienced some form of anxiety in their lifetime. We can feel anxious about a test, a first date, or even the day to day decisions we make regarding our job or social life. Just because we’ve all experienced anxiety doesn’t mean that anxiety is the same for all of us. Anxiety feels different for everyone. Having feelings of anxiety is not the same as suffering from an anxiety disorder. And as an individual that suffers from Generalized Anxiety Disorder, I can say on good authority that sometimes anxiety can be easy to explain, but most days, anxiety is more complex than words can even describe.

Anxiety is much more than “just worrying.” I’ve battled with my anxiety for my whole life, but for a long time, I didn’t recognize it as anxiety. It presented as other things — physical symptoms or my mind racing a million miles a minute. It was being bored, but not wanting to do anything; being tired, but not being able to sleep. When I’m having a particularly anxious day, I feel like I’m forgetting something important…ALL DAY LONG.

It wasn’t until I did some serious soul searching that I finally started to understand my anxiety for what it really was. Anxiety is a shape shifter. It can take on many forms on the outside, but at its core, it’s always the same.

Fear.

When we’re anxious, we’re actually afraid. Anxiety is fear of anything and everything all at once. I can’t speak for anybody else out there that also suffers from GAD. I can only share my thoughts and experience. If nothing else, maybe this can help you explain to someone else in your life how you’ve been feeling.

Anxiety is so much more than just the physical symptoms, but the list of ways your body can tell you it’s feeling anxious is long and kind of exhausting. For years, I never even realized that these were ways my body was trying to communicate with me. My body was all like, “Hey lady, we’re freaking out right now!” And I was just like, “Why the hell am I feeling like this?!” Some of this may seem familiar, or you may experience something completely different. Either way, we can all learn more from each other about anxiety by talking about it.

Physical Symptoms of Anxiety:

  • Headaches
  • Stomach pains
  • Heart palpitations
  • Shortness of breath
  • Hot flashes or chills
  • Hyperventilating
  • Uncontrollable crying or emotions
  • Inability to sleep
  • Feeling panicky, scared or irritable
  • Nausea
  • Skin rashes
  • Feeling shaky or restless
  • Fatigue
  • Muscle Aches
  • Dry mouth
  • Inability to concentrate
  • Feeling detached or stressed out

More than all the physical symptoms, there are a whole bunch of ways that anxiety plays tricks on your mind. Self-doubt can be pretty undeniable, especially when you suffer from GAD. A friend doesn’t answer a text right away? Anxiety says they must hate you now. Not feeling well for a few days? Anxiety tells you that you must be dying. Any worst-case scenario is not off limits.

I like to think of my anxiety as a little monster that lives inside my head. Sometimes, she comes out and wreaks havoc, but most of the time, she just tortures me from the inside. It’s like the anxiety is the puppet master, and I’m attached by the strings. She tells me what to do, how to act, and what to think. It can feel like I’ve lost all control.

Giving up control is probably the hardest part for me. I need to be in control, most likely because there is so much about my life that I have no control over. For me, I tend to bite my lips. I pick at my cuticles. And over the last year or so, I’ve developed the bad habit of pulling out my hair. Because of anxiety, my sleep has suffered. My eating patterns are all over the place. I lost a lot of people that I thought were my friends. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. And it’s okay to not be okay.

Sometimes, it feels like you’ve been holding your breath under water for so long, that it might be easier to just swim down. Anxiety can make you feel like you’ve forgotten how to breathe. I wish I could offer a “cure-all” for it. Trust me, if there was one, I would be all over that. The only real way to get past anxiety is to work through it. Learn the ways your body is communicating with you. In a future post, I’ll offer some ways to better handle anxiety, but for now… Just know that you’re not alone.