Blog Posts

It’s Dark Outside, and I Can’t Get Out of Bed

Everyone feels a little more down when the weather is shitty outside. We’re human beings. We like sunshine. It’s natural to feel “just blah” when it’s a gross day outside, but for some people, it’s not that simple. I am one of those people.

rain droplets on a clear glass with lights in the background
Photo by Max Bender on Unsplash

About a year ago, my therapist brought up a condition known as Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) in one of our sessions. She asked me if I had ever been diagnosed with it. Seasonal Affective Disorder is a type of depression that is related to changes in seasons. For most people with SAD, symptoms begin to manifest in the fall, and continue throughout the winter months.

I have always showed signs of Seasonal Affective Disorder, but I never had a name for it. It was always just brushed off as “winter blues” or “having an off day.” While those things can also be true, it’s important to be able to spot the difference. Some symptoms of SAD include:

  • Oversleeping, or not being able to get out of bed
  • Changes to your appetite
  • Weight gain
  • Tiredness or low energy
  • Changes to your overall mood

For me, the winter months are the hardest. It’s dark and cold outside, and I would much rather stay wrapped up in my warm bed. But I’ve found that I have to get outside, even if it’s just for 20 minutes. Being outside in the daylight, even on a cloudy day, can drastically improve my mood. When you have light-blocking curtains like we do, you might not even realize how badly you need the sun.

Recently, the weather has been all over the place. It’s 75 degrees one day, and then the next day is rainy and dark outside. It can be hard to control your mood when you have no control over the weather outside. But there are things that can help. My therapist usually gives me the “homework” to get outside everyday during the day, even if it’s just to sit on my front steps. It’s been a pleasant surprise to see how much this can actually shift my mood the slightest bit. A dreary, “blah” day suddenly becomes an okay day, just because I took a walk outside.

Another option is light therapy. I haven’t tried this one for myself, but I’ve heard great things. I might have to give it a try. Light therapy, or phototherapy, comes from using a light therapy box to create exposure to artificial light. This has been proven as an effective way to treat Seasonal Affective Disorder.

No matter what you decide to try, take control of it and OWN IT. We may not be able to control the weather outside, but we can control how we approach each new day. Mental illness does not define you, no matter what you’ve been taught to believe. You’ve got this, and we can do it together!

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Week 1 & 2 of May 31-Day Water Challenge

close up of water splashing
Photo by Samara Doole on Unsplash

Water and I have NOT always been friends. I used to have such a hard time drinking even one glass of water a day, even though I could drink 3 cups of coffee or iced tea or soda like nothing. I always knew how bad it was for me to not be drinking enough water. There was just never the right motivation to get me to actually do it.

And then I went to the ER twice in less than 2 weeks. Both times, I was severely dehydrated. I should start off by saying that the dehydration was due to all the issues I was having with my stomach. I couldn’t even hold down a sip of water without it coming right back up again. (TMI!!) It was horrible. The nurses hooked me up to those IV bags in the hospital. They were shocked when my body drank up all the fluids like a sponge! Those nurses swore I’d be peeing like crazy after 3 bags of fluids. But when you’re severely dehydrated, that’s not the case.

So something had to change.

I made the decision to start a month-long water challenge, even if no one was doing it with me. That meant half my body weight in water, every day for the month of May. I was pleasantly surprised to see that other people were determined to get their daily water intake just like me. So I marked the date in my calendar, and I started on my water journey with the support of my fellow crazies.

Week One

The first few days were pretty easy. I was retraining my body to follow a new routine, one that included more water a day than I was used to. It was daunting at first, but I had set a new goal for myself, and I had no plans of messing it up. I will say, more water does mean more bathroom breaks and more times filling up the Brita pitcher. That was definitely a change I needed to get used to.

The most surprising thing about this first week was how drinking enough water effected my energy level. It seems silly to say it now, but it had never occurred to me before that not getting enough water a day was making me groggy and tired. By starting my day with a glass of water, I felt twice as energized and awake. Some days, I didn’t even need my morning cup of coffee!

Week Two

By the second week of my water challenge, drinking my daily amount got a little bit more difficult. The initial excitement of starting the challenge had worn off, and I wasn’t working as hard to get in my 8 glasses. I was still feeling the great effects of drinking water, like energy and not snacking as much during the day, but I was still having trouble spreading out my water consumption throughout the day. This usually led to me pounding two water bottles back to back about an hour before bedtime.

I DO NOT RECOMMEND THIS!!!

Not only was I making it harder on myself to get in my daily amount of water, but I ended up waking up every hour because I had to pee! Sorry if that’s too graphic for some of y’all, but seriously, you do not want to do this to yourself!

We’re Halfway There!!

For the past two weeks, I have been retraining my body to drink as much water as I should be drinking a day. It took some time to get the hang of it, but I have stayed on top of my water intake so far. For the next two weeks, I’ll continue to kick back water shots. In the meantime, here are some quick tips I’ve picked up thus far.

  • Have your 1st glass of water as soon as you wake up. It will energize you, and make you feel great that the day just started and you already have 8 oz. under your belt.
  • Use a Water Tracker to keep up with your progress. I’ve been using Daily Water Tracker and it has been a lifesaver!
  • Come up with some sort of water schedule for yourself. This will help to space out your drinking, so you’re not trying to chug your last 2 water bottles right before the end of the day. (Trust me on this one.)
  • Have a friend join in on the challenge with you. It’s a lot easier to stick to something when you have someone else there to hold you accountable.

I hope you’re all getting in your daily water intake, and if you missed a day or two, keep trying! No quitting! This will only make you feel better, both physically and mentally. Best of luck!!

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Living With Chronic Illness

When I started this blog a little over a month ago, it was always my intention to be as honest as possible with all of you about my mental illness and the struggles that have come along with it. I think I’ve done a pretty good job of doing just that so far. What I never expected or realized was how my physical illnesses would bleed into and taint the waters of my now positive outlook on life.

white ceramic mug on table beside black glasses and tissues
Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

It finally felt like I had a handle on my mental illness. I was out of the dark tunnel and able to shed some light for others that were trying to make their way through behind me. I felt strong, and I forgot for a moment that my mental illness is an everyday battle, triggered by many different things. Although I can have periods of peace, this is a demon that I will carry with me forever. And unfortunately, I, like many of you, can never stop fighting.

At 20 years old, I was diagnosed with a heart condition. The doctors called it an “accidental finding,” but that didn’t stop it from changing my whole life. I was suddenly thrust into a world of 48-hour heart monitors, EKG’s, medications, and having to follow up with doctors every few months. It was a huge difference from being like everyone else I knew who only saw a doctor when they were feeling sick or for the occasional vaccine. I now had a chronic illness, and it needed to be monitored and treated carefully.

The doctors said I was probably born with this disease, but nobody had ever found it because they’d never had any reason to check my heart before. I was relieved that there was a reason behind my sudden chest tightness and palpitations, but I remember being annoyed more than anything at how this was inflicting on my life. I was a young college kid, and more than anything, I wanted to be like everybody else.

But that’s just the thing… I’m not like everyone else.

The Long Journey

I’ll spare you the long, boring details of the doctors trying to find the perfect combination of medication and lifestyle change that was going to make me appear more like other 20 year olds. The heart palpitations triggered my asthma that I’d had as a kid, and I now needed to carry an inhaler around everywhere with me. I wasn’t allowed to exercise too much, and I needed to limit the stressors in my life to avoid any flare-ups. I was in college. My whole life was stressful! It was exhausting getting used to the changes.

black and white stethoscope on a bed
Photo by Hush Naidoo on Unsplash

As the years went by, I went through periods of rebellion against my illness. I’d cancel a doctor’s appointment and never reschedule, or I’d stop taking my medications for months at a time. I just wanted to feel normal. These periods would inevitably end with me in the ER, hooked up to an IV and being lectured by doctors, nurses, and my mom about how I needed to take care of myself. I knew they were all right, but that didn’t make it any easier.

Over the past 8 years, I’ve seen many doctors, who have diagnosed me with many new illnesses that come with their own laundry lists of medications and changes to my daily life. At one point, I was taking 10 pills a day! On the surface, it looks like I’m some kind of hypochondriac, but I live with chronic pain every day. Most people will never know because they can’t see it.

The Latest

Most recently, I’ve had issues with my stomach. None of my doctors would listen to my concerns regarding my stomach pains. They all just wrote it off as a symptom of my anxiety. My anxiety has caused some stomach issues in the past, but this was different. I know my body better than anyone, and I knew something wasn’t right. I could barely eat, and yet I was gaining weight quicker than I had my whole life. Finally, I found one doctor who listened to my concerns and agreed to send me in for some procedures to figure out what was going on.

The process was long and aggravating, because why not? They got the sign off from my cardiologist to put me under anesthesia, and I finally got my answers. I have diverticulosis–the step before the better known diverticulitis. I also have gall stones. Both of these conditions are rare for someone my age, and my doctor is in no rush to start removing organs before I’ve even hit 30. So instead, I’ve had to completely change my eating habits and give up foods that I love. I have to sleep with a (very uncomfortable) wedge pillow. I’ve had to change a lot of what I consider to be my normal life.

What does this have to do with mental health?

It could be worse. I know that. This disease is manageable, and I’m lucky that I wasn’t given a much worse prognosis. But if I’m honest with you, I tried to think of one word to describe how I feel about the crappy hand that was dealt to me. It’s complex, but the word ANGRY sticks out the most.

I’m angry because I still want the same thing I wanted when I was 20. I just want to be normal. I’ve accepted that taking medication daily is a part of my “normal,” but that doesn’t mean I want to be taking these meds for the rest of my life. I’m also angry because the stress of my physical illnesses triggers my depression. It’s like I’m outside of my body looking in. I want to get up and go on with my life as normal, but I’m angry and sad that this is the only normal I get.

This is a process. I’m still working on it everyday. I chose to share this aspect of my life because I know I’m not the only one. There are so many people out there suffering like me, or even worse than I am. I know that I’m not the only one battling to feel normal. The only things we can do is get up every morning and continue to fight.

We didn’t ask for this life, but we owe it to ourselves to make the most of it. There are days that will be overwhelming or difficult, but we need to be kind to ourselves. It will get easier. Not everyone is going to understand, and that’s okay too. Your feelings are real and valid, but that doesn’t mean we should let them consume us. This tunnel is dark and sometimes scary, but there is a light up ahead, and together, we can reach it.

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Being Depressed Isn’t An Excuse to Be An Asshole

So, let me preface this post by saying that I am in no way trying to be insensitive to people suffering from depression and other mental illness. I myself battle depression every day. However, I can not just stand by while some people give mental illness a bad reputation.

man covering face with both hands while sitting on couch
Photo by Christian Erfurt on Unsplash

I’ve battled with depression in silence for most of my life. The past year and a half has been the hardest, but by the end of it, I was taking control back and owning my mental illness. Taking control back meant admitting the truth and being honest with myself. For a lot of us, that’s not always easy.

I needed someone to hold me accountable.

I was exploring a lot of types of therapy a year ago. Therefore, I was also doing a lot of soul searching. It became painfully obvious to me that I was sometimes using my depression as a crutch. I would do something really shitty to someone or say something really mean, and I expected it to just be okay because “I was going through stuff.” And that is NOT OKAY.

There are a lot of people out there fighting to remove the stigma of mental illness. The lines of dialogue have been opened, and we as a society are finally starting to acknowledge that it is okay to not be okay. But there is still so much that has to be done. Mental health still has barriers it has to fight through. The price tags on seeking treatment still cost way too much than it should. There are still far too many people who do not feel like there’s a safe space to seek out the help they desperately need. There is still work that needs to be done. We cannot afford to take steps backwards while we’re still climbing the toughest part of the mountain.

If we use our depression as an excuse to hurt or tear down the people who love us, we’re no better than the people who refuse to learn and understand what depression really is. It’s possible to hurt without needing to hurt someone else. We all have bad days. No one is expecting you to be perfect, but if you’re not willing to own your actions and look for a better way to work through them, then you’re going to lose a lot of people you care about.

I did.

For a long time, I put my own anger and pain before anything else, and I hurt a lot of people in the process. It’s easy to make excuses and say things like “They weren’t my real friends anyway.” The reality is, I allowed my depression to control my emotions and my actions. I did and said a lot of things I’m not proud of. I can say I’m sorry now and make amends to be better, but that may not be enough for some people. And I get that. The truth is, not everyone is going to understand your journey.

Depression is a powerful evil that shows no mercy and tries to destroy everything in its wake. Don’t let it destroy the relationships in your life that matter most to you. You CAN take control back, and with a little hard work, YOU WILL. I believe in you.

Just remember, it’s okay to not be okay, but don’t let that turn you into an asshole.

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May is Mental Health Month

words: May is Mental Health Month - End the Stigma - OwningMyCrazy.com

Every May is Mental Health Awareness Month since 1949. This year marks the 70th anniversary of celebrating Mental Health Month. NAMI has launched their Why Care? campaign as a way to support and shed some light on mental illness. By supporting the campaign, you can show you care about mental illness and the individuals whose lives are affected by it every day.

So why should you care? 1 in 5 people will be affected by mental illness in their lifetime. It’s time to end the stigma once and for all. By showing that we care, and by talking about mental illness more openly, we can finally break the cycle and remove the stigma associated with mental health.

Throughout the month of May, I will be exploring different companies and individuals that are working to end the stigma on mental health. By opening the discussion on mental health, we can help spread awareness and encourage others to be open about ending the stigma and discussing their mental health as well.

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